Mama used to say, “It’s what’s between your ears, not your legs that count.” Quite meaningful, if, what you’re counting happens to be relationship points. But sometimes steady unions are as far from our thoughts as the sea is wide, and the only thing going on between our ears are provocative hook-up’s. In this time of speedy internet downloads- and uploads that give nanosecond stardom- it’s no surprise that we want instant gratification, especially in times of intimacy (well, not so much, if you haven’t reached your peak). But every weekend several sore, discontented hearts board the casual sex train because the fallout offers fun, adrenaline and, overall, more uninhibited sex than ever before.
It appears like we’re not worried about consequences, considering how our “no-string” arrangements continue to climb the ladder in a stressed, time-pressed society, however the vine does run deep. Many individuals write the popularity of casual sex off as a surge in attention deficit disorder, or ADD, among women and men with fleeting thoughts and values. But the title, alone, seems to give us a free pass to trade rooted morals for ones of shorter significance. That, coupled with the fact that so many women are fed up with the roller-coaster ride that seems mandatory of relationships- because no matter how much we enjoy singing those “ooh-baby-why” songs, we hate relating to every single one- so we opt to pursue no-string arrangements. Here’s where we go wrong:
Our uproot: At 1:30 a.m. that special “him” emerges from the crowd. Giddy inside, she tries not to show her obvious admiration. He approaches the bar with his eyes fixed on the “target.” The vessel is crammed with people eager to mingle, making the engagement much more up close and personal. The first impressions-even if unexpected- are meant to be perfect: Both have freshly done or cut hair, pressed slacks, tight skirt, the highest heels, and very masculine Stacy Adams, or some other variation, shined and squared off. Her fresh mani-pedi, parallels his neat manicure, and their mutual interests abound. The two become comfortably acquainted with one another (sans commitment points) and are weary of the winding clock. Last drinks are called and a sudden anticipation -caused by raunchy “visual sex”– is capped by the close in. A few bass-y comments made, some exposed, supple skin, topped with asexual fragrances branding the memory and, instantly, strangers are candidates for casual sex.
Lost in the charm and inebriation is the opportunity for a deeper-than-surface mental connection (before sex), choosing instead a one-night encounter that will yield nothing but those first impressions, if anything. Eventually, the conversation starts to wane and standing guard to fill the awkward gap is sex… instantaneous sex. According to corresponders of my sex and fashion blog at http://www.libidontsandstyle.com this is routine behavior in many casual sex encounters, give or take a few specifics. However, decades ago sex -between the first and twenty-first day (maybe longer, depending on the decade)- would have been called promiscuous, and a direct reflection of a woman’s upbringing, not to mention the “talks” from your mother and/or father when word got out. The community would’ve colored you “fast”-standing in wait to judge every next immoral move- and your household would be faced with irrevocable shame. But of course, for every generation’s set of rules there’s a group ready to set the exception…cue the 70’s.
The hippies’ choice
Known as a time to live, love and liberate, the seventies’ touched everything and every pivotal move seemed to signify the next: The youth demonstrations piloted experiments with drugs which, inevitably, helped pioneer the boom of casual sex. Of course, the latter- met with high disgust by elders- showed a blatant disregard for relationship values, while giving birth to a “no-strings attached” mentality worldwide.
Still with much of the youth matured and the era dead, history’s come full circle as every newly consenting adult (and some previous ones) this side of the millennium, succumb to the “one-night” wagon. Sure, the cart (read man) may circle back. Possibly even a third time, but society –predominantly youth- tend to embrace the physical attractions instead of the emotional/mental ones, and with no obligations, the cart easily pulls out. But the apparent changes make the most difference in casual sex; men, once the leaders, are trumped as women become the new culprits. It feels like a sexual revolution and advancement for all women, but increasing numbers of heartaches, headaches, and stalkers suggest that casual sex is seldom determined by our mental and individual growth. It’s moreso a lingering choice of our predecessors.
Relationships
The ancestral morals that binds us to conformity and, inadvertently, make one way the only way, tell women that running the household, rearing the children, and marriage are all acquired the same… by having a stable relationship. So, in turn, we seek unions with more to offer than a night of intercourse, because beliefs sway us to hold onto the good in our lives and hold out in the process. But many of us don’t want the pressure of living up to the expectations of a relationship, so, we find ourselves rebelling with spontaneous hook-up’s. This is wrong, a committed couple should be able to shine light on areas outside of sex; the trimmings of monogamy requires respect for each other’s mind’s, careers, goals, families, and then bodies.
In Heterosexuality, Masters, M.D and co-authors explain that, “No matter how passionately two people are attracted to each other in the falling in love stage of a relationship, there’s no guarantee that it will turn into a long-term commitment.” The problem is, we women aren’t giving ourselves a chance to build a geniune connection, so how can we expect a relationship or commitment. Not to say that women should go out with the intention of finding an anchor of a man to bring home and marry- it’s too primitive of a thought in these times- but at some point, sleeping around and spreading ourselves thin is going to wear on our bodies and minds. Hopefully, by that time our discarded freak reputation hasn’t preceded us, and we can fall back on those good girl morals.
In retrospect, sex is easy-too easy! But a stable relationship shows the focus of two willing individuals who: have no problem developing an intimate friendship first, succeeding romance, then eventually placing concentration on the partners’ happiness, while honing the skills of compromise and sacrifice. It’s a hard process, especially when myriads of people and opinions surround a good thing- and though the rants aren’t helpful in succession, they surely assist in the downfall- but only determined individuals survive. Unconditional love –especially when there are plenty of conditions- and honest relationships are hard to find, but the time, energy, and perseverance reaps the reward of a relationship worth shouting about.
